The Case of the Mutilated Monkey Meat
by invisiblescaper
Summary: Ghost Chimp, M.D. seems to have his hands full with a new case and an old enemy. Or perhaps they're just full of bananas.
1. Hoot Ook

Based on a true story. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent, some names are purely coincidental, and some names are purely intentional. Disclaimer: I do not own anything relating to this, like the characters or their situations. I mean, I guess a couple characters are my invention, but I'm not really attached to them. And then there's the whole found-Booey-in-a-dumpster thing.

The Case of the Mutilated Monkey Meat

The mug landed harshly on the desk on Ghost Chimp, M.D., coffee sloshing over the rim onto some X-rays.

"Ook!" he reprimanded his nurse.

"That's the last cup of coffee I get you," she snapped back. "I'm a nurse, not a personal secretary. I've got more important things to do than get you coffee all the time."

Ghost Chimp, M.D. lowered his head until he was glowering at her from under his fedora.

"And take off that hat! I swear, ever since you died and your brain infused with a chimp, you've been acting more like a private investigator than a doctor."

"Ook?"

"Mirror on the front or not."

"Ook."

Her shoulders slumped as she sighed and sat down in the chair across his desk from him.

"I'm sorry, Doctor. I'm just frustrated. I became a nurse to help people, but no one comes to your clinic anymore. I guess people don't want to go to a chimpanzee doctor who can't even keep himself alive." She shrugged and finally met his eyes. "It's bad for business."

"Ook ock?" he asked, sifting through his X-rays.

"Only from hospitals where you have your privileges. No one darkens your -- please take your foot out of your mouth while I'm talking to you -- darkens your door nowadays. The phones don't even ring for clinic business. Doctor, ghost, chimp, detective . . . it's too many hats."

"Oock, ook ook."

"They don't wear hats. It's more of a bandana thing. And you're not a ninja."

"Ooo-ack!" he cried, and struck a kung-fu pose.

His nurse took his hand. "Look, I enjoyed working for you, but I need to go on to other places. I'm putting in my notice."

The ringing of the phone startled them for a moment, long enough for Ghost Chimp, M.D. to grab it first.

"Oook ook?"

"Ghost Chimp, M.D.?" asked a woman's voice in a horrible Harley-Quinn accent.

"Ook. Ook?"

"My name's Polly. Mista Ghost Chimp, M.D., I really need yua'help."

"Ook ook ack ook?"

His nurse shook her head. The sudden excitement he exhibited told her just what kind of phone call this was. She rolled her eyes and let out a short expulsion of air. "I'll go," she mouthed as the woman on the phone explained her situation.

"My precious Louie was found in a dumpsta last night. The police are all ova the map on this case, and they cain't undastand a thing Louie tells 'em. They won't lemme in to see 'im and they won't tell me anything that's goin' on. Gee, Mista Ghost Chimp, M.D., yu'a the only one who can help 'im."

Ghost Chimp, M.D. barely looked up when he heard the door shut. A crime needed to be solved, and he was just the chimp for the job. Apparently.

"Ook eek oook ock."

"I can come by right now."

"Ook."

He hung up the phone and took a swig of his coffee. He forced himself to swallow it, and then poured the rest on the carpet.

"Ook?" he asked the ether, wondering if this Polly could make a decent cup of coffee.


	2. Ook Ackok

With ghostly tummy full of coffee, Ghost Chimp, M.D. allowed Polly to drive him to the hospital. He may have been able to turn on his tangibility at will, but he was still too short to reach the pedals.

"When they found 'im, he was covahed in mildew and looked like he'd been through the ringa a few times."

Tears fell down her cheeks at the memories.

"I just cain't imagine why someone would do this to my cheeky little monkey." She wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. "Sorry for gettin' so emotional on ya," she laughed a little.

Ghost Chimp, M.D. put a comforting hand on hers. "Ook ook ock, oook hoo."

"Yu'a sweet," she smiled.

They shared a nervous moment when no one quite knew what to do next, but they snapped out of it when the car heading right for them blared its horn. Polly had seemed to forget she was still driving.

The hospital loomed ominously next to the car. Ghost Chimp, M.D. squinted at the cold and tugged at his trench coat.

"Gee. I didn't know ghosts wah bothered by cold."

They were quiet in the elevator, Ghost Chimp, M.D. using the time to swipe the edge of his mirrored fedora to reposition it and practicing his dope ninja fighting skillz in the reflective elevator wall.

"C'mon, suga. I'll show ya where he's stayin'."

When they got to the hospital room, Ghost Chimp, M.D. didn't stop for Polly to open the door. He floated right through it, attracted to the banana bouquet someone had left for Louie.

"Ook?" he asked, and without waiting for an answer, said, "Ack," and took three. By the time Polly came in the room, he had securely hidden them away in his trench coat.

Louie attempted to open his eyes, showing that he was regaining consciousness.

"Aw, Louie!" Polly was at his side in a second, running her fingers through his hair.

Ghost Chimp, M.D. was unsure about helping him. He'd never liked spider monkeys. No one would if they'd had the childhood he had, but he really took a liking to Polly. Ghost Chimp, M.D. was all business with him.

"Ook ook hook?"

"Eya eek scree," came Louie's weak reply.

Polly's eyes went wide. "Did he just say what I think he said?"

Ghost Chimp, M.D. narrowed his eyes in all seriousness. "Ook Ackok."

¤§¤

Ghost Chimp, M.D. packed his essentials. He heard the door to his clinic close and Polly came running.

"Where ya goin', Mista Buttahs? Louie needs ya."

"Ook Ackok." He shook his head. "Eek ook. Hoot hoo ock ook ook."

"Tray-an--" she started but was interrupted by the door opening a lot less gently than when Polly had used it.

"Ghost Chimp, M.D.!" bellowed an annoyingly familiar voice. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" The ever-rotund Police Sergeant Ackels barreled toward Ghost Chimp MD's office. "You can't take this case from me! Not this time." Curls of smoke gathered around his ankles. "You!" he pointed accusingly.

"Me?" Polly asked innocently.

"Yeah," he growled menacingly.

Ghost Chimp, M.D. looked around suspiciously and a bit . . . confusedly. Oh, I've used all my available lys.

"_You_ brought him on _my_ case." Ackels grabbed Ghost Chimp, M.D. by the collar and leaned in. He escaped the grasp on Ackels sausage fingers and floated just out of their reach.

"I thought I was through with you butting into my job, keeping me from every chance of a promotion!"

"Ook uk ahk!"

"And you wouldn't've taken it if it wasn't mine."

Ghost Chimp, M.D. grabbed his pack and started toward the door. "Ook."

"You got time for _any_ guff I got to give you."

Ghost Chimp, M.D. seemed to mull this over for a moment, then said a simple, "Hoo," and took off through the ceiling. He could still hear Ackels' outrage, but he had bigger fish to fry.


	3. Ookowk!

Because chapter 2 and 3 were very short, I decided to combine them, so for all the thousands of readers who are just tearing their hair out waiting for me to update, there's another section on the end of chapter 2. And here's the last chapter. So choice!

* * *

There it was. After hours of flying, he finally saw it rising from the horizon. Lightening flashed behind the castle, home to someone he had hoped never to have to see again. A shudder went down his ghostly spine. Boy, he wished he had a cup of coffee.

Without stopping to take in the scenery, Ghost Chimp, M.D. moved effortlessly through the stone walls of the castle until he was just where he wanted to be because ghosts can do that and I don't want to waste time.

"Ook Ackok," Ghost Chimp, M.D. said slowly, hovering six feet off the floor.

"Vhy, Ghost Chimp, M.D.," smirked Bob Barker, "vhatever brings you to . . . TRANSYLVANIA?!" A clap of thunder and bolt of lightening at that moment showcased his long eyeteeth. His eyes flashed in the candlelight and he bared his teeth, while bringing one hand to the middle of his chest and moving slightly forward.

"Oook ook ook ock ook, ack ook ahk ahk hoot ook."

"J'es, I'm familiar. Ah, ah, ah, ah, bleh."

"Ook ahk, ahk ahk ock ahk. Hook hoot."

"Mm hmm, bleh," he answered in the affirmative.

"Ock hoot?"

"Vhy? You ask vhy? Becousse, my dear Ghost Chimp--"

"Ack."

"J'es, MD, I'm planning to go on a crime spree and I don't-- ow!"

Bob Barker grabbed his mouth.

"Ook?"

"No, no, it's fine. I bit by tongue, bleh. It comes vith the territory."

"Eek."

"Quite. I need a moment."

"Ook ook?"

"I can't look at it in a mirror!"

"Aaak," he nodded, and then rubbed his chin. "Oock? Oook ack?"

Bob Barker chuckled. "J'es. It took a long time to learn how to do that, bleh, but ve vampires should not have facial hair."

"Ook ook ack?"

"Somevhat, j'es. But I think it looks . . . bleh. Bleh."

"Ook!" Ghost Chimp, M.D. took advantage of the lull to launch a surprise attack on Bob Barker and threw something at him. I'm not gonna say what it is. I think you know. I didn't know ghosts could even do that.

"BLEH!" Bob Barker shrieked, turning into a bat and flying to the other side of the room. He turned back into Bob-Barker form and used a towel to wipe his face. Bob Barker hissed loudly.

"Eeek eek!" screeched Ghost Chimp, M.D..

"Hroar!" roared Bob Barker.

"OOO AHH! OOO AHH! OOO AHH!"

"HROAR!" Bob Barker's jaw seemed to dislocate on that one.

"Do you mind?!" a bigfoot shouted. "Mr. Charles Dickens is trying to entertain me with a delightful assortment of words, and you are making it very difficult for me to take any pleasure from it!"

"Hey," said Chuck Dickens.

"Ook," said a sheepish Ghost Chimp, M.D., and Bob Barker made a sound like air being let out of a tire.

"Thank you," huffed Bigfoot, and went back to the study.

"Ack ock ock hoo?"

"Many more than vone, silly villy. They are sighted on every continent; how vould that happen vith just vone animal?"

"Eek."

"I don't believe in ghosts."

Ghost Chimp, M.D. looked down at himself. " . . . Ook."

"I attacked that veak monkey to lure you to me. You vould be the only creature vho vould, or could, stop my rash of bank robberies, and I have to make sure you vill . . . stay out of my vay."

He spread his arms like wings and lifted into the air. "How many banks vill I rob? One bank, two banks, three banks, ah ah ah!"

As the air swirled about the room, Ghost Chimp, M.D. got a slight chill and pulled his trench coat closer to him. Then he cocked his head in a thoughtful fashion.

"Vhy are you not terrified?" Bob Barker asked, landing.

"Ock ook. Oook ook eek ack?"

"I made a few . . . bad investments, you know."

"Ook?"

"I don't vant to say."

"Oo-ook . . . "

"The Egg-Stractor and the Kling Tut."

Ghost Chimp, M.D. kept his mouth shut. That didn't even deserve an "ook".

"I love vordplay," he said with a touch of a sensitive smile, his top teeth hanging over his lip.

Suddenly, Ghost Chimp, M.D. felt very uncomfortable.

"Ooooook . . . "

"Never mind!" Bob Barker exclaimed, lifting back into the air. "I vill rid the vorld of the likes of -- please take your foot out of your mouth vhile I'm threatening you -- the likes of you vonce and for all."

Ghost Chimp, M.D. ran his tongue over his teeth and gave Bob Barker a sly smirk.

"Vhat? Vhat vith that look now?" Bob Barker landed again.

"Eek ock eek eek ack."

"Explain the easy vay."

"Ook ook ook, eek ock ock. Ahk ack, ook hoot hoot OOO AHH ook ook. Ook? Ock ock eek hoo. Ook hook ook ook ock ook."

Bob Barker scoffed. "And vhat is the hard vay?"

"Aack."

The pallor Bob Barker was already sporting paled even more, and his eye developed a pronounced twitch. "I'll take the easy vay," he squeaked.

"Ook ooo hoo."

Ghost Chimp, M.D., feeling very proud of himself despite the fact that he didn't have the opportunity to use his gun, stethoscope, or brand-new Indiana Jones whip, grabbed a banana from his trench coat and flew off toward home.

¤§¤

"Mista Snugglecakes!"

Polly grabbed the now-tangible Ghost Chimp, M.D. and pulled him close to her. Her blonde curls tickled his ghostly face.

"I'm so happy to see ya. How'd it go? Everything turn out just ducky?"

Her green eyes glittered in anticipation. He gave her a soft punch on her chin. "Ahk ook."

Polly blushed. "Aw, gee whiz," she chuckled.

"Ook ook . . . " Ghost Chimp, M.D. stopped from uncertainty.

"Hey, ya'ain't gotta be embarrassed. Ya can ask me anything."

Ghost Chimp, M.D. thought a moment. Was he really that good a doctor that he didn't actually need a nurse? He decided that yes. Yes, he was.

"Ook ook . . . hoot ooo?"

"On a pehmanent basis?"

"Ook."

"Aw, shua! Aw, I'd love it, Mista G! One coffee, comin' right up!"

The End . . . ?


End file.
